Damn, It Must be Good to Be a Man!

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can be president.

• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

• The world is your urinal.

• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".

• Same work... more pay.

• Wrinkles add character.

• Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

• One mood, ALL the time.

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

• You know stuff about tanks.

• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

• You can open all your own jars.

• Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

• You can leave the motel bed unmade.

• You can kill your own food.

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

• Everything on your face stays its original color.

• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

• You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

• You don't mooch off other's desserts.

• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• You almost never have strap problems in public.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You don't have to shave below your neck.

• Your belly usually hides your big hips.

• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

FROM SHAWN PROKO